Never Know
Posted on Sunday, July 17th, 2011 at 10:40 amNever Know
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Never Know

What Details Do You Need To Know About His Cheating?
I recently got an email from a wife who was trying to save her marriage after her husband’s affair. She was reeling from the pain and betrayal, but she was doing her absolute best to move forward. However, her husband was being very resistant about giving her the information that she felt she needed about the cheating. The husband just could not be convinced that the wife needed to “know everything.” He felt that some of the information would hurt her and that some of it was unimportant.
The wife felt that all of it was important. She felt that she needed to know everything. In her opinion, no detail was too small. She wanted my opinion as to which details about a husband’s affair was important for a wife to know. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.
The Information That Is Important For A Wife To Know About Her Husband’s Affair Or His Cheating: From my own experience and research, here’s what I think is the minimum that you need to know. You need to have some sense of why this happened. And, sometimes husbands can only try to give you the best answer that is available to them. What I mean by that is that men are not as in touch with their motives as women might be. So sometimes, they themselves really struggle with why this happened.
Other times, the reasoning is embarrassing and shameful. Who wants to admit that they felt badly about themselves or their lot in life and gave into poor impulse control? Often their resistance to share with you stems from their resistance to admit these same things to themselves. Still, it’s in both of your best interest for them to do the best that they can to share with you what might have lead them to this. You need to know so that you can address any thing that is lacking and so that you can place safeguards in place in the future. You also need to know what type of relationship you are dealing with. Was this a long term or short term affair? Is she totally out of the picture?
Second, you need to know where he wants to go from here and how he intends to go about getting there. You need to know if he’s committed to you and your marriage or if he still doesn’t know where his commitment lies. If he is telling you that he wants to save the marriage, then you will want to know how he intends to do that and what plan he has in this regard. This is certainly not too much to ask. You have a right to know this information.
You also have the right to know if his behavior put your health at risk. Did he have unprotected sex and if so, has he been testing for STDs? This is vitally important. In order to work on your emotional and mental health as it relates to this process, you’ll need to know that your physical health is not at risk. If you don’t have these answers, you are well within your rights to ask for them immediately.
Finally, it’s normal for you to want to know who the other woman was, and who, besides the two of them, was in on this. You’ll want to know if any of your friends betrayed you. You will want to know which of your acquaintances knew but didn’t confide in you or share with you what they knew.
The Things That You Probably Want To Know About Your Husband’s Cheating Or Affair That Don’t Matter As Much As You Might Think: I understand that you probably want to know each and every detail about the affair. You want to know everything that you can about this other woman. You want to know where they want, what they did, and even the small details like which restaurants they visited, and what they ate. You want to know if he bought her anything, and if so, what. You want to know how much of your money and time he spent on her. Some women even get caught up on details like what type of perfume or undergarments she wore.
I completely understand this. It’s so easy to become obsessed with each and every small detail. But, I can also tell you that it’s very easy to get lost in these details so that they do you more harm than good. These details can become images in your head that become almost impossible to erase and they cause you more pain than is necessary. They cause you a continuous loop of doubts in your head that you will want to avoid.
Always try to remember that your first priority should be to yourself and to your own healing. Although it’s normal to want to know every detail, try very hard to only subject yourself to those that are most likely to facilitate your healing and your ability to move on with your dignity and self esteem in tact. It’s so important to remember that you did not do anything wrong. This was not your fault.
Yes, you may have work to do. And you need information from him to accomplish this. But, try to protect yourself from receiving more than what will give you the tools you need for your own well being. Avoid those that will only hurt you, cause you to obsess, and cause you to allow doubt to thwart your progress.
Right now, you need to safeguard your own healing and well being. Sometimes, you have to keep out those things that will delay this even if it is tempting to demand all of the answers.
I know that these things can be difficult to address, but they are important. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
About the Author
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Jack Johnson – Never Know